Looking Back

Tonight I’ve been scrolling back through this blog, looking briefly at posts I’ve written over the years.  It’s crazy to me that this sort of online journal started five years ago with a girl fresh out of high school and ready to take on the world.  Back when Belize was in the forefront of my mind and I sought to share God’s love with the friends I made there.  The disappointments that came with what I thought would be a fruitful time on the missions field… I still feel the ache and sting.

I learned much more than I’d expected, in areas I hadn’t thought of.  Came back to America and sat in shock for months at the realities of life and the differences in where I thought my path was headed and where it actually went.  How could it be?

Instead of returning to the field I waited, desperately praying for answers.  What next?  I pulled out of my funk and started applying for jobs, one foot in front of the other and God could lead wherever He wanted.  Many jobs passed by and I could only wonder why.

Then came the job at church, presented out of nowhere and I eagerly accepted.  Honored, to be a part of such service to fellow Christians and to our community who might not yet know God.  What a gift.

I knew by then that I’d be home in the States at least until I got married.  God had impressed that on my heart and I believed Him, not worrying about what would happen afterward.

My friendship with Josh turned into more and he eventually moved from Oregon to Ecuador to New Hampshire — to pursue me and see if God indeed was leading us toward marriage.  He was, and we got married July 18th, 2015.

My time at the church came to an end sooner than I’d hoped and I again was left asking why — so many whys.  I took a random job at a daycare and tried my best to love and serve the families there while I sought more answers from God.  Surely this wasn’t the end, was it?

We found out months later that I was pregnant, another unexpected mark on the timeline.  It was a rough season of coming to grips with the fact that we were now a family of three, and all of our “normals” would change and responsibilities would be added.

I left the daycare and focused more on my own business, working with my photography and trying to get organized before the baby arrived.  It was so lonely, so abnormal for people our age and I watched previous friendships start to fizzle out.  We’d entered a new stage in life and it meant two introverts needed to figure out how to make friends all over again.

Levi was born in April of 2016 and what a joy that day was.  It was strange, the sudden peace I had and knowledge that this was where I needed to be.  We’d set ourselves up from the start to live off of Josh’s income, and I was immensely thankful I could be home full time with our little bundle.

The next year and a half has been full of adjustments.  Learning this and that, shifting this and that, letting go of this and that.  Figuring out how to be [fairly] newly married with an infant; discovering and absorbing the stages of childhood and how to live everyday life with them.  Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and trying to meet new people and do new things.

We’ve moved a handful of times, traveled some distances, and added another little one who’s expected to arrive at the end of this year.

And now as I sit in the condo we’ll be leaving soon, with the birds still chirping and sun still peeking through past 8:00pm — I’m reminded.

Never once has God failed me.  Never once has He lead me somewhere and not provided for me every step of the way.  Never once has He gone against His character.

He hasn’t given me all the answers, and I’m sure there are some that He has given that I’ve missed.  But it’s okay.  He’s taught me how to be content where I am, to know that the missions field I’ve sought is literally where I am with the people in front of me.

“Good and upright is the Lord;
    therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
 He leads the humble in what is right,
    and teaches the humble his way.
 All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
    for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.”

(Psalm 25:8-10, emphasis added)

Countless times over the years I’ve asked for humility, and though I have a long ways to go He certainly has humbled me.  He humbles me and He leads me as He desires.  And truly, there is no way more satisfying and peace-giving than His way.  Even when it doesn’t make sense; even when we question and shake our heads.  Even when we come to a pause five years later and still don’t completely understand.

He is still faithful, and He is still good.  Always.  Trust Him, friends.